Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize