John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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