Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
