Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
