what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
