Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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