EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
