i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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