If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
