Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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