My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
