at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Actions speak louder than pants.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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