How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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