I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
