Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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