i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We're too hungover to prance.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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