Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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