I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
