life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
