i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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