20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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