guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
