I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I AM VODKA MAN
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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