An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
