so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
