She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
