I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize