guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
