quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize