so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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