Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
