apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize