I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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