just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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