new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize