he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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