Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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