just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
