I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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