My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize