So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we're making bets on your personal life
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize