the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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