I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need a beard to bite.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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