He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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