I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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