Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
is it fun? or sober?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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