I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
