The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
