did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
