I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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