I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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