I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize