You can't motorboat a personality
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize