Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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