if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
