Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
