i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
