Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
